11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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