Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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