Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
