Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
