My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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