I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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