OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
