Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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