alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
