You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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