If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize