Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
