You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
