Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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