So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
whose ass print is on the piano?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize