Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
