i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
