apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
