Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
