I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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