That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize