Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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