The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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