all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
