sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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