Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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