***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you never un-have a 4some
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