I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
