Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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