I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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