so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
