Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
