This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize