He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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