well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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