i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
