I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
