bring money and cleavage
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
