I just threw up on my dentist
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
