I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
