I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
