does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
