I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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