I hate all girls vehemently.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
