My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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