Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize