Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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