As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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