Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
