life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
