I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
