I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
