dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
