i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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