you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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