so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
