Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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