did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
