He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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