who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
