"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize