If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
