I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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