I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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