Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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