i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
