his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
