you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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