he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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