moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
