I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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