is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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